


your hand in my hand

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Essential tremor, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Medical Conditions, Slice of Life, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 19:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15565116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Sometimes the most obvious changes are the most difficult to discuss.





	your hand in my hand

**Author's Note:**

> Essential tremor is a neurological condition that causes involuntary and rhythmic shaking of any body part, but usually the hands. It's a non-dangerous condition that can be treated with therapies and/or various medications.

 

He was sat in the gaming lounge going through his twitter feed when the crashing sound of something hitting the floor brought Dan's head up from his laptop. He was up before he was even aware of moving, his feet carrying him toward the galley kitchen where Phil had gone to make coffee. The sight of yet another broken mug laid out at Phil's feet had something twisting in Dan's chest, something nasty and heavy and terrifying.

  
He watched wordlessly as Phil crouched on the floor, his shaky fingers plucking up shards of gleaming white ceramic before he dropped to his knees to help. They picked up the rest of the mess in silence, Phil determined to avoid looking at Dan as they got to their feet once again. He waited while Phil washed his hands after, his eyes glued to those slender fingers.  
  
“Phil...”  
  
He let his sentence trail off, unsure of how to even begin. He could tell by the way Phil was practically curled in on himself, shoulders pulled up and in, that he was hoping Dan would just let it go. He looked small and brittle and afraid.  
  
So Dan let it go.  
  
“Let's watch a movie tonight, your pick. I'll just make some popcorn and be there in a minute. Okay?”  
  
He tried injecting some enthusiasm into his voice and though it rang false in his ears, Phil gave him a grateful smile as he made his way back to the lounge. He blew out a shaky breath as he scrubbed his hands over his face, leaning back against the sink. The moment of reckoning was coming and they both knew it. But for tonight...tonight they'll pretend that everything's alright.  
  
**

  
It was bad in Detroit.  
  
The show itself was great and the crowd enthusiastic, full of energy and love. They could feel it on the stage as an almost physical wall of sensation that they soaked up, keeping the adrenaline pumping hard and fast. But in the back of Dan's mind was fear. Fear that their viewers would start noticing the little things and adding them up, that they would start asking questions they had no right to ask.  
  
Fear that something was seriously wrong.  
  
The dropped balls that Phil excused as playful bobbling. The fumbling in the prop box. The clipboard held up during the survey section, wavering in the spotlight as Phil held it out. He's not sure what the audience thought or if they even noticed, but he can't stop marking each occasion. Storing them in his brain to be dragged out again when the nights were long and sleep was impossible.  
  
He tried again after the show, this time ignoring the pleading look on Phil's face.  
  
“Phil, we have to talk,” he said quietly.  
  
“Can it wait? I was hoping to take a quick shower. You can join me,” Phil said with a mock leer, desperately trying to ignore the elephant in the room. “C’mon, I'll even let you stay under the spray.”  
  
He turned away and made to move to the shower but Dan caught him by the arm, bringing him to a halt. Phil kept his back to him, refusing to turn and look, and it was so familiar that he nearly laughed. A classic Phil Lester strategy, Dan thought. If it's not in front of his face, well then, it just wasn't happening.  
  
Dan tried to keep his voice level. The last thing he wanted to do was put Phil on the defensive because then any hope of a conversation would be lost.  
  
“Phil, can we talk about this, please? We can't keep ignoring it!” he pleaded, the tail end of his words rising with anxiety. He could feel his throat getting tight and fought desperately to keep control of his emotions.  
  
Phil's back stayed rigid for a beat or two before sagging as if his spine were made of sugar, dissolving one grain at a time until his shoulders were slumped in defeat. It broke something in Dan to see that defeat there, to know he caused it, but it couldn't be helped now.  
  
Things were getting worse.  
  
“Alright, Dan,” he sighed, and god he sounded so _tired_. “Alright”  
  
  
**  
  
They're squeezed into the tiny bench seat together, watching the playback of the next gaming video. Phil had said that he had finished editing it and wanted to show Dan something. He's not sure what Phil wants him to see but he couldn't help but smile at their easy banter as the intro played, listening to their waffling and watching himself on video as he stood to show off their tiny plant.  
  
Phil was stiff beside him, faced turned away as Dan watched himself place his hands over Phil's, preventing Phil from dropping the plant during the handoff.  
  
An entirely unconscious action on his part but one that was smoothly done, as if muscle memory had carried him through the movements without any sign of awareness. Almost as if he's performed that same motion, time and time again. That thought was almost too much to bear but he had to ask, had to know if Phil noticed it too.  
  
“Phil,” he breathed out, a kind of stunned surprise sweeping over him. “Phil, how often do I do that?”  
  
Phil traced his fingers over the white Formica of the table. They trembled slightly even now, even at rest, and it seems like such a betrayal that Dan could scream with the unfairness of it all.  
  
He looked up at him now with a tight smile on his face. He's desperately trying to pretend that it's alright but he's unraveling; every broken mug and fumbled item picking him apart at the seams. His lips quivered as he tried to gain control of himself.  
  
“Every day,” he said. “You've been doing it every day since we held the baby.”  
  
It was simply stated, almost nonchalant in that distant way Phil could adopt, but Dan could hear the fear beneath the surface. Fear and a bit of resentment, chipping away at the ice in his voice to let a bit of heat through.  


While Dan's stunned at the revelation that he'd been trying to protect Phil for so long, he's happy to hear that snap in his voice, that little bite of anger. He wants Phil to fight and not give in to pity or complacency. And if that means wearing a target on his back for the night? Well then, he'll gladly paint it on himself.  
  
So he took a deep breath and prepared to be a bit of a dick.  
  
“Are you still using the slime and doing the exercises?” It had been a stroke of genius by Phil's therapist, recommending slime and putties to help strengthen his hands. Phil enjoyed making them and had even turned it into a video for his channel.  
  
The look Phil gave him in return could have cut glass.  
  
“Yes,” His reply was clipped, evidence of a growing resentment.  
  
Dan pushed a bit more. “And have you been taking your pills?” He moved now, rising from the table on the pretense of grabbing his water bottle. He knows Phil, knows that the combination of Dan's direct questioning and being pinned in at the table will cause him to shut down. And Dan needs him to let go.  
  
Phil's glaring at him now, anger and outrage stamped in the lines of his face. He's working his way up to being proper pissed and Dan couldn't be happier to see it.  
  
“You're not my mum, Dan.”  
  
“And thank Jesus for that! Do I need to call Kath, report back on you like an infant? Christ, Phil”  
  
The look then on Phil's face nearly broke his resolve. It was pain and betrayal and a shocked disappointment all in one as if he couldn't believe that Dan wasn't supporting him this time around. It's a look he's never seen Phil aim at him and Dan very nearly begged for his forgiveness.  
  
Then rage transformed his face, bringing an angry flush to his cheeks. He slapped his hands on the table and rose, stalking toward the gaming lounge.  
  
“Fuck you, Dan. I don't need your bullshit right now.”  
  
Dan followed him down the hall and into the lounge, closing the door behind them. He leaned against the door and let Phil pace in the tiny space that was available, movements jerky and uncoordinated. He watched for a moment or two before making his final push.  
  
“What about Dr. Jay, have you called her?” Dan asked.  
  
Phil whirled around to face him, hand clenched into fists at his sides. “No, I haven't,” he snapped. “I've been busy.”  
  
“Phil, that's the shittiest excuse you've ever come up with. Try again. Why haven't you called her?” Dan asked again.  
  
“Because I'm scared, okay Dan? Are you happy now? My hands don't work, and I'm. fucking. scared!”  
Phil's voice broke on the last word and those lovely, shaky hands came up to cover his face as he struggled for control.  
  
Dan crossed the room in two steps and tugged him into his arms, pulling him close and squeezing him tight. He made little soothing sounds into Phil's hair as they rocked together for comfort, his hand rubbing circles on Phil's back. He sat on one of the sofas and dragged Phil into his lap, letting him tuck his head under Dan's chin.  
  
“My hands are getting worse, Dan.”  
  
He pulled him closer and kissed his forehead. “I know, babe.”  
  
“What if it's Parkinson's? Or a tumor? What if-”  
  
“Phil, you're catastrophizing. Breathe.” Dan said gently, picking up one of those hands and placing a tender kiss on his fingers. “They're tremors, nothing more. You've had the testing, and it was all negative. It's just tremors. You're over-stressed, over-caffeinated, and are probably due for a dosage increase.”  
  
Dan held him in his lap for a time; stroking his hair and lavishing Phil's hands with affection, kissing and nuzzling into those slightly shaky palms as he waited for Phil's breathing to even out. He waited until he could feel the last bit of tension drain out of him before kissing him on the temple and holding him away.  
  
“Will you call the doctor now, please?” Dan asked quietly. He firmly believed in everything he told Phil but he'd still feel better once he spoke to Dr. Jay.  
  
“Yeah, alright. Dan, I'm sorry” Phil apologized, looking directly into Dan's eyes. “I shouldn't have put this off. And I'm sorry I yelled at you about it, even though I know that's what you wanted.”  
  
Dan laughed softly and gave him another gentle squeeze. “Oh, you're on to me, are you?”  
  
Phil gave him a wobbly smile and leaned in for a kiss before sliding off of his lap. “I'm always on to you." The smile faded as he looked into Dan's eyes. "Will you stay with me while I call?”  
  
Dan stood and held out his hand, waiting for Phil's fingers to lace with his. “I'll always stay with you, Phil. No matter what.”  
  
“Come on babe, let's go make that call.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> [come say hi on Tumblr](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/)


End file.
